Monday, January 30, 2006
most of the time, i feel so bad for being happy and i donno why.
aniwae, yesterday, i met up wif anaz. and his family. and guess wat? and then, wif my family. haha. tats swit. we all met up at marina square, grabbed a bite at LJS and then headed by the sea along esplanade. we enjoyed the breeze very much. i was quite nervous about our parents meeting up but things turned out orite. alhamdulilah. it was gOoOd, actually. muahahaha. finally. onli. they didnt get to meet my brother, iq. who was resting at home. so, ya. chinese new year. the union of the two families. how swit.
wah. ur family dah kenal guy baru u eh sayang?
haha. gini fan dah takleh tunggu ah. haha.
i cant stop feeling helpless and sad thinking of our past. but i noe very well that i should not blame myself 100%. it's god's will that we are not together. though, i had love him very much. too much. and thats maybe why i haven got over us. but now im attached again, and happily attached that it, i shouldnt stop myself from experiencing the happiness i deserve. coz i love anaz very much. and he's my life now.
tears are not stopping but still life has to go on. no matter wat. i have to get over it, or i'll never move forward.
sometimes, the further i move away from him, the more scared i get. but, at the end of the day, i noe tat i have anaz to hold my hands strong and lead me the way. he's always there for me, i noe. and i love him very much.
i wont wanna dwell too much about the past. i can never turn back time. and it's all to late to erase events. things happen. coz they meant to happen. even, how much we dun want things to be tat way. Allah noes us best, and will give us wat we should get. be thankful. it's always for the better. for now. alhamdulilah.
noted@
6:19 AM
free me to fly on my own
hepi chinese new year. haiz. hepi holidays to me.
yesterday, we had the mss picnic at ecp. it was such a tiring day, having to run here and there. pizza, epok2, bbq chicken, finger food, macaroni. exhausted and all. but finally it's over. phew! i get to meet some new people. gr8 people, i must say. a zul i tink. he's cute. haha. and very helpful. well, he started the fire, which is so very important. n ya, he helped alfian fill the 100 of balloons with water. haha. well, nice knowing him. anw, this whole picnic committe experience has been a good one. met wonderful team of people to work with; wahyuddin, alfian, arafah, hafiizah, anisah, daanaa, husni, tzul. no regrets. a wow! note in life.
well, i have been super bz for the past few days of this week. assignments lining up to be handed in. and fp assessment has been a frustrating one. but ya, im glad this week it over and im finally enjoying the holidays. just have to keep in mind. still have 5 more projects till skul ended. and then 3 exams. omg! and i havent started a single revision. basically, it's like i know nothing about the exam modules as i have been enjoying my 'holidays' during lectures and tutorials. nevermind, will think about that later. haha.
anw, im not sure if im doing the ryte thing. k. fan knows well enuff that im happily attached with anaz. but he stills msgs me and all that. and im replying his msgs? wat i noe, im not giving him hopes. so, ya. thats it. im not in the wrong. subjects of emotions, not to be touched.
anaz. we have been like, experiencing silence for the past 6 days, till yesterday we met at the picnic. even that, we dun really get to talk coz i was so exhausted. fact is, i missed him! a lot. and what, im meeting him once a week now. wow. and he's not even in ns yet. im strong. i'll be fine.
frens now. im glad.
mariam has been much happier since the day she met and contacted with her mum back. that must have been a gr8 feeling for her, especially after all these years. she's such a strong gal, and i'll always be there for her, i hope.
liyana is coping with the unusual lost. better the lost now than later, i tink. it's okie. she's doing fine. she will. it's not easy but ya, she, too, is strong.
and nin aka tuty, is another strong person. omg! i salute her, for having the strength to work so hard and still, not neglecting skul too much. someone to keep in mind if i ever feel like giving up life.
we are gr8 together.
i missed my sisters, though. we'll be meeting for my bdae and hannah's, i hope. the forst reunion for this year is coming, i hope. and masurah. we have been like spending time. i feel goOod. and im loving it!
*liyan a isya h anna h aryan i da!*
tuition. the last visit, syakir was grouchy. i pity him sometimes. only k1 and having tuition already. haha. he was not feeling well. tembel. but he's cute! and his sister, shasha. cuties!
volunteering. waiting for call-ups from the people. yup! im ready to fill my time. i dun mind. and im sure to gain lots from it. good things will always be beneficial in one way or another. i want the satisfaction.
noted@
5:46 AM
free me to fly on my own
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Akulah Kekasih Mu
Itukah dia kekasih yang pernah berjanji
Memberi cinta untukmu sepenuh hati
Ia akan menyesal suatu hari nanti
Apabila ia mengetahui
Kekasihmu ini ingin kembali
Tahukah engkau ia tak sepadan denganmu
Walau beribu bisik pujuknya merayu
Kekasihmu ini terlalu ingin kembali
Sejak ia mengetahui
Kekasihmu itu selalu membuat kau bersedih
( korus )
Oh kekasihmu ini akan merasa gembira
Andai dapat bersama untuk selama-lama
Hanya untuk menyayangimu
Hanya untuk bercinta lagi
Andai engkau berduka
Aku yang pertama di sisi
Andai engkau bahagia
Akukan terus berdoa
Semoga suatu masa
Pintu hatimukan terbuka
Dan kita akan kembali
Bercinta lagi
Aku akan kembali
Walau jalan berliku
Kernaku kekasihmu
Hingga ke akhir hayat
noted@
1:04 PM
free me to fly on my own
Monday, January 23, 2006
wow. it has been a tiring day. mayb bcoz i felt sick. yesterday, i played in the rain wif anaz. though he scolded me not to. but being stubborn, ya. im bornt wif it. and ya, i got sick yesterday. and today. haiz. the headache has been accompanying me all day since last night.
aniwae, before today, here's the updates for dearest me, myself. last morning, i attended a mentoring program by the Mendaki. it was good. captured my interest even more. im more than enthusiastic to participate myself into volunteering. ive also signed up for the tutoring sessions. i think im bz enough wif skul, mcc, mss, tuition. but still, i wana fill up the rest of my precious time wif volunteering. just give me the satisfaction people really wana achieve. ya, true, i need the money. but for free services, mayb i'll get something better in return. happiness, longevity, peace. insya'allah.
msg wif fanlyn yesterday. oh ya. when will we ever gonna end, dwelling about the past. ya, it was the most saddening emotional event tat happen. but, i really wana move on. though sometimes i do daydream about the past. he said he once imagine me and him wif our daughters and sons. oh shit. there, it became a stormy and rainy night. tats me. i need to change myself and stop being so sensitive and such a cry-baby. ok full-stop about him.
anaz took me home yesterday. we walked around and around duno where. sat here and there. argued about minah mat and past. ya, we have different views and experience about life. i mean, i only know about 1% of the knowledge he has. i may not know but i do think a lot. a lot too much, i must say. ya. mayb, i should learn to shut up a little about my opinions. aniwae, like all people in the past, he gave in to me. and i know the reason. he love me too much to argue wif me. eating up his ego, for my sake. and i should scold myself for making him do tat. not tat i do aniting in particular. just the nature of things.
i rarely tell him this. but i do love him a lot. and i do appreciate all the little and big things he has done for me. his perseverence and patience to change and everything else. i love him for who he is. ya ya. i know. im one big ego gal. ego, stubborn yet so sensitive. haha. me me.
2nd year is going to end soon. i want part time job. omg. searching for tuition. and ya, mayb filling up my time with more volunteering work and expedition i can find. sometimes, i just feel sick and tired about skul. such draggy thingy. haiz. haiz. haiz. cant quit doing it. people should learn how to sigh positively. sigh and wake up to reality fact.
WAKE UP, LIYANA!!
noted@
6:54 PM
free me to fly on my own
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
wednesday. it seemed to be a busy 60-hour time frame. wat happened? may i recall.
love is a never-ending issue. haha. boring sometimes, i should say. okie. wat do u call tat feeling if it's not sparking, yet is not dying either. i mean, do i have to live with tat fact for the days to come? tired, i should say. but, things never change. still in touch and communicating. yet, sometimes preferred not to. unfair to the dearest. things like, happiness is onli with me? come on, life has to go on somehow. sad sometimes, very sad. all teary and wet. yet, fact is something unchangable. if it's neither growing nor is it dying, i guess there's nothing much i can do but to wait for something else to happen rite. im a 'PAST' person i guess. but, rite now, i shall be happy with dearest anaz. i mean, im not deprived from being happy so why should i not be happy? muah. continue later.
noted@
5:30 PM
free me to fly on my own
Friday, January 13, 2006
a week after. told u tat i dont touch this electronic thingy often. but ya, im here. lots of things happened. monday, i hanged out wif ladyelle and her 2 guy friends. elfie, my former schoolmate and ishmail (think so tats how it's spelled). aniwae, it was gr8. like, when was the last time i hanged out. being ech-ians, surrounded by girls, girls and endless girlfriends, it's a nice change. haha. but wateva, my bf is still the best and my priority. the best around for me, for now. niwae, i went home late. really late tat day. 1am in the morning. anaz was really super mad at me. silence for tat day and the day after, hari raya haji. so, wat? being good always doesnt mean i cant enjoy sometimes. n my form of enjoyment was just shopping and seating at suntec starbucks till 11.30pm. missed the last bus to cck. walked n walked to bus stop tat has n3.
like said, tues was also silent treatment from him. but why do i get tat kinda treatment, but when it's his turn, rilex jer. i guess i've never done it b4, tats y he freaked out. so i just laid back till he cooled down. nothing much tat day. as usual on festive days, i went over my grandparents' hses and bla3. eat eat eat.
wed came. skul was boring. morning attachment at childcare ctr was relatively orite. children was cuties as usual. but didnt managed to carry out my lesson. bcoz, i haven prepared them. haha. me, the last min gal. met fan for lunch in skul. not long, coz ladyelle joined us later. then it was time for 3pm BORING DPIP lect. adding to tat tension anaz situation, he's line was cut temporary. so, ya. double silence. i miss him though. a lot. but ya, ego. super super ego. after skul, went to tekka to eat thosai wif tutti. ya, me n nin went all the way there for THOSAI. komalas. we have been craving for it for days. weeks, months. so finally, ya, we were really full tat we could barely walked.
thurs was yesterday. daytime was another routine activity. lect, tutorials. then, i went home. anaz wana meet up at suntec but i dont feel like meeting him so i went home straight. such mood i had. he was disappointed coz i knew he really wanted to meet me. but i just wanted him to feel tat lost of connection coz he has been taking advantage of my presence lately. btw, he said he wanted to pass him something, but didnt wana tell me. i met fan at pondok under my block. he wanted to have someone to listen. so ya, there i was. he was smoking so heavily yet complaining he felt tired always. niwae, im tired of nagging. the role of victim has been switch over to another smoker. haha. anaz. at night, we talked like for hours till 3+ am. ya. we argued here and there but it was a nice sweet ending of the occasional conversation.
tdy, i was all pinky. wif my pink skirt and my pink sweater. is it so hard to accept tat some people look extremely good in pink. i mean, in anything they wear. wats up wif the comments. haha. but, still a pure white heart outshines the outer beauty. believe it or be ignorant. wont be meeting anaz today or the coming days, i think. we'll see how.
tired. tata.
noted@
6:35 PM
free me to fly on my own
Saturday, January 07, 2006
im stuck here with dearest ana. being a kind-hearted soul (ahem ahem), im right here in the skul library, acompanying ana to find e-journals for her assignment. n being bored to death, im creating a blog for myself. how interesting the start of my bloggy thingy is. n this is the beginning of my life story told in something called 'words'.
i bet this wont be on a daily basis coz me & computer are of no best friend. mayb once im a while, when im in my own world of silence and peace.
well, y not a lil bit skul. been learning about autism. how interesting some people live in their own world of the foreign mind. n we, the 'normal' people are always asking for more. sometimes, much more than we can handle. haha.
aniwae, life's good so far. with loved ones, families and friends that are constantly in view n in mind. i couldnt ask for more. best.
noted@
10:49 AM
free me to fly on my own
